Pen to Paper, Soothe My Soul
by csinyfever
Summary: One-Shot. Writing is not necessarily a skill to learn. Sometimes when you need a friend to confide in that isn't there, the humble pen and paper is all you have, for a time, and a great comfort.


Pen to Paper – Soothe my Soul

**A/N: Bold text is Mac writing or talking, regular is Jo. **

**...**

_**I need to speak to you...**_

Ever since I left,

_**Even if you can't hear me,**_

I realised I can't fight this battle alone,

_**Even though you may never listen,**_

But you must understand that I can never return

_**Or read these words at all.**_

I can't witness you crumbling

_**I need to keep-a-hold of these last few threads of what we had with all my strength. **_

See worry lines form upon your perfect face...

_**It's all I have left.**_

all because of me.

_**You're the only one I trust.**_

I have to scribble out the emotions...I need to speak to you.

**...**

Dear Mac,

I can't be the reason why you're always on edge and curling back into your shell anymore. Whether it's my history at the FBI or my CSI career that's caused it, is irrelevant. You don't deserve it either way. You deserve to love without worry, without care and be able to throw caution to the wind!

Please darling, love someone else, a person that deserves to have you, where you're free to be impulsive without thinking about the consequences. The side of you that lights my fire – the side I took away. I need to let you go, because I love you.

I'll never forget you. Tell the team I'll miss them.

Jo.

**...**

**I'm staring at the letter, my eyes flitting from one sentence to another.**

"**love someone else" "I need to let you go" "the side I took away" "I'll never forget you"**

**All the emotions that I'd experienced when Peyton left me, resurfaced and began to assault me once again. I'm having to grip onto the counter to steady myself, to stop myself from falling into the dark abyss of questions and insecurity's.**

**I'm not strong enough, not without her, and with that, I surrendered, falling back onto the sofa.**

"**This is my fault. I'm so stupid! If I'd just reassured her more and not got so wrapped up in the case maybe she would have realised that she is the only one I love and the person I need to survive. How could I have let this happen?"**

**That last sentence, I couldn't help repeat over and over and over.**

***Flashback***

"**Taylor." Mac said slightly on the stern side.**

"**Mac darlin', it's me. It's late, when are you coming home?" Jo replied, slightly taken aback by his stern tone.**

"**You're reading that file again aren't you?"**

"**Jo! Don't you get it? I have to find him and if it means reading the file a million times over, I'll do it!"**

"**Mac please...come home, I need you here. Knowing you're looking at that file...I can't rest. I need you to do that."**

"**I'll be home soon, Jo."**

***End Of Flashback***

**That's all I said! God I'm so stupid! I took advantage of her love, how could I do that? To stop myself from punching the coffee table, I grabbed a pen and tossed it over in my hands. I looked over at the notepad on the other side of table, grabbed it and began to write.**

_**Jo,**_

_**I can't believe how stupid and naive I was, not noticing how I was making you feel and how I was taking advantage of your love. I have come to realise in this very short amount of time how much I need you and how hard it is to be alone, to be without the love of my life, to be without you. I miss you, so much. I don't know who I was in the conversations we had night after night when I was reading that file. I got obsessed with that case, and I was blind to what I was doing to you. All you needed to heal was me to be there for you and all I did was sit in my office. I'm never going to be able to forgive myself. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.**_

_**I'm sorry.**_

_**Mac.**_

**I drop the pen, push the notepad away and lean back into the sofa. That was on impulse, but it doesn't make me feel any better. The impulsive things me and Jo did made me feel alive and high on love. But that just made me feel hungover and heartbroken.**

**...**

The key turned in the lock and the door swung open, 1, 2, 3 steps, into to my new home. I spun round slowly, taking in the high ceilings, brick walls, dusty window ledges and shelves and the wooden floors. Although spacious, it was empty and alone. I put my suitcase down and sat down at the table.

"It's very quiet..." Ellie commented, standing in the doorway.

I turn and motion for her to come for a hug, she comes with haste. Somehow, I think that she meant what she said in the same way I felt. The whole place feels like a shrine for loneliness. It's a place with no love.

**...**

Oh for heaven's sake!

I've turned over in bed about a million times now. No matter what position I'm in, I can't relax. I'm cold. The bed is too cold. Oh well done Jo! I'm such a basket case, I've admitted it. Just like that.

I've curled up into a ball, annoyed with myself and am looking at a notepad and pen. As I sit up I take the pad and pen in my hands, just looking at them. Turning to the window, I look at the stars...and that's the last straw. I can't hold back anymore. The pen starts to swirl against the paper, words start to form.

Dear Mac,

I'm cold, lonely and lost. I know what I need, but I can't give in. I must keep you safe.

You are the love of my life, but you deserve better than me. I'm happy if you'll be happy...please I hope you accept this and realise there is someone out there that is better for you than me.

I've admitted it once, you'd think twice is pointless but...I need to. I miss your touch, your voice which soothes me...

I hope you don't read that file anymore .

Jo

**...**

**It's there, right over there. That file, open, the photo's are sprawled over the desk. In the same positions they were few nights before when I was glaring at them. A few nights ago..._'You had her and you let her go. Imbecile.'_ My subconscious scolds. Turning on my heels, I leave the room. I suppose in a attempt to flee the guilt and grief. It was a weak one at best. **

**My phones started to buzz. What a surprise, 914. **

**...**

This is it, first day, knew start, no one knows you. I walked in, I saw no-one. Oh God, please no. It doesn't matter that I'm fighting it. I can't help myself. Can't help but look around, in the hope to see him. No Jo, no! You have to stay away, run from him to keep him safe.

**...**

I can't help it, it pains me so but there is nothing I can do. I _have _to look up, at that balcony, where my life changed for the better, but the sight of what was happiness, is now bitter sweet.

What on earth am I going to tell the team?

**12 MONTHS LATER**

**End of the day, my empty nothing-like-home awaits with nothing to do but lay in bed with no prospect of sleep plausible. One step into my apartment and the silence is overwhelming. Hang on, what's this? Looking down, a chunky envelope is underneath my feet. Picking it up, I didn't recognise the writing on the front, But somehow I sensed It was an urgent importance and I needed to open it. **

**Once it was open I accidentally dropped it and thousands of letters cascaded onto the floor. Each one, address marked with dates going back at least year, all the same handwriting. _Hers. _Each one scribbled upon with thousands upon thousands of confessions of grief, love and compassion. I can't list them all, for it would take me too long, and I'm far too emotional. **

**She still thinks of me, enough to write to me. Perhaps, she still even loves me...**

**Hang on, something's just caught my attention in the corner of my eye. A separate letter, it's written on different paper. It reads: **

_Dear , _

_I'm writing to you to ask you to please make her happy again. I have heard her side of the events that happened just over 12 months ago, and those events and feelings (that she believes) happened, or were felt have sent her to a place that have misshapen the beautiful, full of life, upbeat women I knew as my daughter into a withdrawn, self neglecting, broken women who has folded inside herself and locked herself away like a grief stricken child. _

_She needs to hear your side of said events, needs to believe she can be loved and that she's not been forgotten. _

_Please help her,_

_Mrs. Danville._

**My god, Jo's mother? I must find her, show Jo that I have never stopped loving her, and that she is my everything! **

**...**

**I'm now driving up the long gravel drive towards Mrs. Danville's home. The driveway alone gives the impression that the house will be very grand. The impression is correct to a tee! As a draw up outside the house, a women is waiting outside, as if for me, maybe _actually _for me? **

**I approached, her hand outstretched. I take it, and shake it slightly. "Mrs. Danville, I presume?" I ask. **

**"Yes, call me Faye. I won't waste your time. Jo's bedroom is the second on the left." Faye gestures towards the big, heavy, black front door. **

**I nod and smile in appreciation and walk up the few steps to the door with haste. **

**...**

**Stepping quietly just inside Jo's bedroom, I realise that there is a passageway before you reach the actual bedroom. The passageway is bathed in dim light and as I slowly make my way through it, a notice both walls have notice boards pinned up along them and the limited light allowed me to catch glimpses of what was pinned on them. More letters, bordering on thousands. All to me, written by Jo. As I read them, I make a decision. I turn on my heals and quietly exit the room.**

**...**

**"Certainly Mac," Faye complied, it certainly feels better now that we're on a first name basis. I smile and hand her the...delivery. I watch her slip quietly into her daughters room, my hands behind my back, with my fingers crossed. **

**...**

My mother just came in, I feel slightly guilty for not saying even a syllable, or turning to face her, but I just can't, I can't bear her to see the mess her daughter has become, and all because the human race is naturally selfish, I'm selfish.

I...I can't even say it! I did what I did to protect him, even though I knew it would hurt him so deeply and here I am feeling sorry for myself, when I don't deserve to.

Hang on, didn't Mamma say that I had some letters? Surely no one wants to speak to me, they're probably all sick of me.

The noise of the clock ticking away the seconds and minutes fills my senses as my curiosity beings to tempt me. _Dammit! _

I turned over on my bed to face my cluttered bedside table, the clutter consists of papers and post-it-notes, a few lipsticks and nail varnish bottles and God knows what else! I finally find the bundle of letters my mother had left me and start to read.

No, it can't be. He should hate me, I never wanted that but I had to be cruel to be kind, he must despise me, I don't deserve to be given any higher opinion from him. I...I...I'm mistaken.

All these words I'm reading, it's hard to take in. _Pain _and _sorrow_ but also _love and desire. _These letters must be going back months! Some of the paper has frayed and looks, meaningful, wonderful. Where some is crisp, vibrant and the words full of life - just as wonderful, if not more so.

Why are my fingertips stained black? Is that, is that ink? I delicately, as if made of glass, sift through the many pieces of paper to find the one that has coloured my fingers the colour of charcoal.

Written upon it is only a few sentences;

_**Your letters, every word is beautiful. I shall forget not a single one. It's an elegant change to your post-it-notes I have grown ever so accustomed to.**_

Hang on, how did he...he must have. _He's here, _Mac's here. Wait, slow down Jo, breathe, do I really want to subject him to all the teary nights involving no sleep because of horrific terrors of my subconscious mind? I can feel it, the desire to see him, even just to get a glimpse of those beautiful and enticing eyes. I must resist!

What was it that Mamma said though?

_"Your the one who has to choose, what would make you happy Josie?" _

I still hate that she calls me that, but that's beside the point. What _would _make me happy? To have even one look, one touch by the level-headed detective, or a life and solitude and instability?

**...**

**I'm making myself a much needed coffee, as Faye has very kindly offered me full run of her very cosy farmhouse kitchen, when it hits. The sugar - subtle vanilla, sweet, sticky honey - and the spice, strong, fiery cinnamon. Everything nice, all, an enticement to the senses. Even when my back is turned. It takes all my strength, but I stay that way, no matter how much I want to see those gorgeous eyes and perfectly framed face, I don't want to push her. **

_"I suppose you've come looking for answers, for...closure."_** She stumbles. **_"I don't blame you, I never could, for anything."___**My composure weakens as a rush of guilt pulses through me, but I keep quiet, not wanting to startle. **

_"I left to protect you, to shield you from the mess I was slowly becoming. I didn't care I was destroying myself, you were encasing yourself amongst all that grief and pain, such you'd just escaped. I couldn't go on knowing I was the cause. I did it for you," _

_**Jo's continuing to justify why she left, but I've stopped writing it because its irrelevant.**_

**_"Jo, honey..." _I say gently, stepping closer to her. She registers my presence and stops talking abruptly, just stares into my eyes_. _**

**_"I don't think it's worth ponder over who threw what punch, I couldn't care less frankly. I just want to put this on the shelf, to be talked about another night. Right now, tonight, I just want to get lost in you." _I say pressing my lips to the corner of her mouth.**

**_"What do you say, hmm?" _I ask, trailing a few kisses down her neck, placing one hand gently on her hip. I feel her shiver and smile, but wait, so she doesn't feel pressured.**

**The response I get is better than I ever could have imagined.**

**...**

God, this is like a flashback mixed tenderly with a dream, and yet it's true! His hands against my skin are firm, demanding yet gentle yet masterful. The silk-like bed sheets beneath me are like lying in the warmest and purest sea of pleasure.

My abdomen quivers as his fingertips skim across it, my back arches towards his touch when his lips trace the path his fingertips just tread.

His hands rested on my hips and he looked at me in the eyes with that same tender and fire-lighting look that makes my knees go weak. My heart beat fast and loud, pounding in my ears as the seconds tick by while his crystal clear eyes boar into me. One more agonising moment passed, one swift movement - and we were one.

A slow, sensual rhythm began where all grief, unhappiness and self-loathing was lost and was replaced by passion, desire and love. It didn't take long for us to climax and when we did, we came together. As it should be.

**...**

**I think it's time we bid our goodbyes to letter writing and diary keeping. Yes, I said we and I've never been so happy to do so. For, a diary or even a lone piece of paper is a friend you have in the bottom of your hand bag or briefcase, the one there when everyone else has left. The one to confide in that doesn't talk back even though sometimes, in our case, we willed it to, even if it wasn't the voice we so desperately wanted to hear. But we don't need that 3rd party helper anymore, as much as we appreciated it, because we have each other. Jo has me, and I have Jo and that all the comfort either of us are ever going to need. **

So we now leave you (sorry to butt in darling) with the rather picturesque scene of two lovers curled up together watching the morning sunrise. No words were spoken, neither of us moved, but you see, neither of us needed to. Without words, or movements we knew that we'd soothed each others souls.

_"Heavens Mac, you just can't keep still can you?" I ask, after being given a kiss on the neck._

_**"I can't help the fact that your totally, and utterly irresistible now, can I?" I reply with a cheeky grin and a wink. **_

_Bye! **Cheers. **_

**...**

**The End! Hope you liked it, I certainly enjoyed writing it. Every review will be greatly appreciated.x**

_**PS: I have no idea if Jo's mother is called Faye but I liked the name. **_

7


End file.
